Observations on the Nature of the Hollow
by MelissaRose85
Summary: The Twelfth Division's newest pamphlet, the answer to every shinigami's questions about Hollows. Humor/Parody of Bleach and every nature treatise ever written. Complete.


A/N: Shameless funny Bleach with no seriousness whatsoever. Definite tongue in cheek satire of every single nature manual written to date. You've been warned.

And yes, I butchered the Latin. I enjoyed it, too.

Enjoy! R & R!

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"Observations on the Nature of the Hollow"

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Since the first discovery of _Phasmatus Terreus_, better known as the garden-variety Hollow, shinigami scientists have attempted to create a guidebook for field combatants. Unfortunately, the various differences in weight, shape, form, power, and even smell (at least, that's what we in the Twelfth Division have been told) have made it difficult.

Hollows might have been discovered 4,000 years P.Y. (that would be Pre-Yamamoto, for those of you who never opened a single textbook in the Academy) but we just haven't had the time or the funding to carry out the type of research needed until the most recent century.

Thankfully, the large-scale takeover of human world satellites has allowed us to spend thousands of hours observing Hollows in their natural habitat. Our scientists have been hard at work observing every Hollow behavior exhibited in the human realm. Through our diligent work we have managed to, we believe, identify everything the new shinigami needs to know about Hollows.

1. The Natural Habitat of the Hollow

Hollows are almost always found around humans. There have been a few cases of Hollows that wandered away from humanity, but we're pretty sure those specimens had very low mental capacities. If your Captain should tell you that there is a Hollow in the woods, don't believe them. Unless there happens to be a cottage of some sort hidden in the trees, at which point you should assume there are also people to protect. _The Twelfth Division claims no liability for any idiot standing in the middle of the woods with a detectable reiatsu. They should've stayed in the city with the rest of the humans._

2. The Appearance of the Hollow

While humans come in a variety of shapes and sizes, as do sentient beings (see, Captain Komamura, we did not forget you!), Hollows are generally easy to spot. Look for the one very different form in the crowd—i.e., the one with some sort of white mask and a hole in its body. We have been informed that they mostly resemble monsters that smell like cheese. If you smell cheese, there could be a Hollow. _The Twelfth Division claims no liability for any human stupid enough to wear a mask around a shinigami. _

3. The Behavior of the Hollow

Every Hollow has a few very well-known behaviors to look for. First, they tend to devour souls. Second, they tend to haunt human dwelling and living areas. Third, they travel by garganta. But there are other behaviors we have observed; Hollows tend to travel alone, except for the Menos Grande, they like to screech, and they are very adept at disappearing. If a shinigami should run into a screeching, white-masked, human-eating form, it is most likely a Hollow.

If, on further consideration, the suspect is actually a human, the shinigami should flee. We have heard disturbing reports about New Guinea natives and serial killers in the human world that get up to some very crazy shit. _The Twelfth Division claims no liability for anyone that should run into Captain Kurotsuchi and try to kill him; he might look like a Hollow and act like a Hollow, but you're the fool that didn't memorize the Captain Register._

4. The Eating Habits of the Hollow

Hollows tend to eat souls and, occasionally, actual humans. But this does not mean they will avoid other food sources! Hollows are scavenger carnivores; they will eat anything they can. Research shows that Hollows will eat shinigami as quickly as they will a human soul, and there have been cases of intellectually-challenged Hollows trying to eat inanimate objects. We apologize to Urahara Kisuke for the loss of his vehicle during this experiment. _The Twelfth Division claims no liability for anyone that gets eaten by a Hollow._

5. The Mating Habits of the Hollow

They don't.

_The Twelfth Division claims no liability for anyone that might be psychologically scarred by witnessing the heretofore believed impossible mating of Hollows. You should've been nice enough to give them some privacy—they were trying to continue the cycle of evolution, after all, which makes them smarter than most of you._

6. The Life Cycle of the Hollow

Hollows begin as human souls. Upon death, some souls are tortured, have unfinished business, and somehow end up as Hollows. There is no scientific process by which to identify a soul that will become a Hollow. This is why all souls should be taken care of swiftly by shinigami.

Hollows live indefinitely until dispatched by a shinigami or eaten by a predator Hollow. We do not know yet what happens when a Hollow dies; our research has not given us a conclusive answer as of yet. But if a predator Hollow should take in enough smaller Hollows, it has been discovered that it can move up the Hollow hierarchy, becoming more powerful and closer to sentient being status. _The Twelfth Division claims no liability for any Hollow stupid enough to read this manual and try to take down its brethren to gain power. _

7. The Social Life of the Hollow

Hollows tend to not be very social creatures. In fact, Hollows tend to avoid even humans that have a decent social life. In our untold time of observation we observed only two cases of the normal-level Hollow interacting socially: two tried to carry on a conversation about the local political tensions in Pakistan, which did not work out very well, and one developed an obsession with a human female it then followed around constantly until a shinigami was sent to dispatch it. This is not the norm.

Most Hollows are very antisocial, lonely creatures. They prefer solitude. This is the norm until the higher forms of Hollow are considered. Adjuchas, Vasto Lordes, Menos Grandes, and Arrancar seem to travel in small groups, or herds, although the antisocial tendency of every Hollow eventually leads to the Hollow wishing for some alone time, at which point a fight breaks out. _The Twelfth Division claims no liability for anyone that tries to actually invite a Hollow to a social event. Any maiming that may occur is on your own head. _

8. The Mystery of Trapping a Hollow

There are a few straightforward tactics that can be used to trap a Hollow. First, you can follow a soul with reiatsu around until one shows up. It will show up at some point. But there are better ways to carry out Hollow-baiting that do not warrant the large amount of time spent waiting around on them.

Hollows are attracted to bad pop music. Play it and they will come. Hollows also seem to like the smell of daisies; any city park with daisies draws Hollows. The theory of the researchers is that the Hollows are drawn to the scent because it can mask the smell of cheese, which they must eventually get tired of. _The Twelfth Division claims no liability for anyone that uses these techniques and calls forth more Hollows than they can handle. Back up is always important, they teach that in the Academy class you slept through._

9. The Process of "Dispatching" a Hollow

Dispatching a Hollow is quite easily. All it requires is the application of a zanpakutou to the Hollow in a painful form or fashion. _The Twelfth Division claims no liability for anyone who attempts to dispatch a Hollow and cannot figure out how to kill them with their weapon. You should've trained first, moron._

10. Observations on the Nature of the Hollow

It is our fervent hope that the research we continue to carry out will lead us to even more information on the nemesis of all shinigami, the Hollow. We at the Twelfth Division take our responsibility very seriously—it is our job to improve the technology and techniques that support shinigami in maintaining the soul balance. We can only imagine the leaps forward we can make as our data continues to roll in.

We would like to take this chance to ask all shinigami that have the honor of serving in the human realm to send us any information they may collect on the Hollow they meet. We are always looking for more data to add to our growing collection, and it just might be your information that finally leads to that breakthrough on studying Hollow personalities.

_The Twelfth Division claims no liability for anyone injured, maimed, killed, or sexually molested while attempting to follow the advice in this pamphlet. Apply your common sense. We here at the smartest division in Seireitei aren't sure any of you actually have any intelligence, but we've been assured you have enough to dress yourself, so you should have enough to run in the opposite direction. _


End file.
